Let me begin by addressing the hot topic that is "why hasn't the Crommissioner written anything in such a long time?" The answer is simple: It was what God intended.
The timing of this post is extremely coincidental though, because there has been a huge election underway for us here... not for the United States President however, we don't live in Ohio so our votes don't count silly. There has been a hotly contested race here in fantasy-land for the President of our Rotary Fantasy League, between incumbent President Greg VanDelay Industries and challenger Pastor Jon "Fist-Pump" McDugle. And no, I'm not the President of the Fantasy League. I'm the Crommissioner, which is a dictatorship. Democracy is for the weak.
Now you may wonder how I came up with our fantasy league candidates to represent our mini Obama vs. Romney bout. And you may think I got confused by having Greg, our sailboat owning, Mourdock voting, 1%er financial guru play the role of Obama while having our resident Pastor, who follows Jesus' lead in caring for the poor and downtrodden while sticking it to "the man", playing the role of Romney. Here's my argument.
Greg is the incumbent, and so is Obama. This would be simple enough, but there is more. Greg has used attacking his opponent as his campaign strategy and has tried to gloss over some of his negative qualities by telling us he's "kept all his promises except for the one's he hasn't." He's also constantly pushing this collective "happy/sad" dollar bucket as a communal fund, which sounds awfully socialist to me. For that matter the question "is it beneficial to all concerned?" isn't exactly the American way either! The topper though is just like Obama, he refuses to look his opponent in the eyes during debates.
Pastor Jon is like Romney in many ways as well. He's one of the whitest guys I know. He has a religious background that most of his supporters choose to ignore. I mean, who can really trust a Baptist Church that won't even call themselves Baptist anymore! (I can say this because I go there, so it's fair game). He even appeased his more conservative base by going with the young and brash Heath Allen as his running mate. The financial plans he puts together at NSSB are legendary.
Both candidates were polar opposites on many of today's hot button fantasy topics. For instance the President pointed to one of his positive changes being the new Thursday games for everyone. The highlight of this program being that you cannot be denied the game due to pre-existing programming on other channels. Pastor Jon however says that it is unconstitutional to have games on Thursdays (with the exception of Thanksgiving, because who can really visit family that long without a distraction) and will repeal the Thursday games on day one of his Presidency.
Both candidates took great care to cater the fastest growing population of fantasy players, women. Greg slyly tabbed a former opponent, Suzanne Whicker, as his Secretary of Football. She immediately was able to woo women voters by correctly identifying which team uniforms looked better with an individual's personal look. Not to be outdone, Pastor Jon responded by putting together huge binders full of women... until the elders at Westbridge as well as his wife asked him to stop.
They also claimed to differ greatly on foreign policy (that would be how to deal with Rotary members that aren't part of the fantasy league.) The President kept hammering away at the fact that he took out Rex Dugan. To which Pastor Jon responded, "actually, yeah good job on that one."
So much money was spent on these campaigns, and so much time spent talking about the undecided voters (also known as "liars") that it was a little disappointing when voting day came and was split straight down party lines. Everyone in the Bigs Division voted for their incumbent and everyone in the Littles Division voted for the upstart McDugle. The weird part is that Heath Miller, Pastor Jon's running mate, is in the Bigs Division and so voted with his Division rather than for himself. This league desperately needs a 3 Division system.
Some highlights of the voting day. Kent & Amy Elliott cancelled each other out with their split voting household. Mr. Mayberry tried to sway voters by catering outside the voting both for his candidate, but the Crommissioner cancelled his vote out by offering free cupcakes for those who voted with the Pastor. We've discussed Heath being the swing vote that Pastor Jon desperately needed to win, but just as shocking (or maybe not) is that that Dusti did not vote for her husband! Jenny Pearcy cancelled out the women vote with Suzanne. Marcia Lynch & JR Hackleman both said they didn't care for either option and did not vote.
So what happens when the election is a dead heat? Well, much like in boxing you have to knock out the champ the win the belt. So it's bittersweet for our current Rotary Fantasy President that he retains his belt, because that means Obama will too. My apologies to 90% of the Danville Rotary Club
-Your Crommissioner
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Week 1
Fellow Rotisserie Rotarians,
It's only week one but Mr. Mayberry may having a Born Identity crisis! What happened to our front-runner? The originally named "Team Marcia" squeaked out a week one victory over the 2-time champ. Mr. Mayberry has no worries though, as his team was just sluggish from eating too much of the Wednesday night pasta bar and were still rounding into shape.
Our almighty leader President VanDelay Industries paid me $20 bucks to alter his score in week one because he couldn't possibly live with the shame of losing to Suzanne. It was a difficult spot to put the Crommissioner in. I had to think long and hard about the 4-way test to determine if this is something I should do. In the end though I got hungry and took the $20 for lunch money.
In the final game of the Big Deals Division. Our rotary meeting host was not made to feel welcome by Mrs. Elliott, whose team name is either a play on her quarterbacks name or an homage to her love of deli meat. Heath had the lowest score of all week one teams... but I will not be so rude as to point that out to everyone. I would delete that last sentence from the newsletter but my backspace key isn't working. Sorry Heath.
In the littles Divison... well, nobody cares. We're the littles for a reason. Okay fine I'll go through the games.
Team Jenny put up a heck of an effort this week but came up just short. What did she expect though, she started a guy named Pierre. The French STINK at football. They don't even use their hands when they play futball. Hopefully this week she can remedy that as well as her awful team name. How arrogant to name your team after yourself! How dumb do the Indianapolis Irsay's sound? I would NOT have season tickets to go watch the Indianapolis Irsay's.
Team Jon. God wants you to rename your team. Humble yourself in the sight of the rotarians and change your name. Cast your team name off the other side of the boat and when you pull it up it will have a better team name in it. (Preachers like using allegories in their sermons, so I like to pretend they actually need EVERYTHING explained to them allegorically). Yeah, I used the word allegorically. Bet you've never used that word.
Team Kent won because Kent is a less common name than Jon, so the fantasy karma didn't make you lose like it did Jon.
I have a hard time explaining the Show Me Your TD's loss to Team JR. I mean Dusti did everything right! Slightly inappropriate pun of a team name: Check. Changed her logo on the site: Check. Be the Current President of Rotary Club's wife: Check. Alas, Greg's $20 only covered his win, not yours. And sometimes you do everything right in fantasy football and still come up short... like Dusti!
Good luck to everyone in week two. FYI, there is a game tonight, as I'm sure the Elliott's are already aware (Bears fans).
-Your Crommissioner
Oh Suzanne(a)!
In the smack down of the week, Team Suzanne tells Team dEli Meat she prefers her ham thin sliced, with a Sproles 30 point game on the side. If Peyton Manning hadn't forgotten how to play football in the first quarter Monday night, Suzanne would have broke 160. Make no mistake though, this outcome was decided last Thursday afternoon, before a game was even played. Let this be a lesson to the rest of the league, one that unfortunately Amy had to experience firsthand. Never accuse the Crommissioner of cheating. If you do, I will force you to lose... wait, let me rephrase; the fantasy karma will get you, and the Crommissioner will have had nothing to do with it. A 67 point loss Amy. Thus endeth the lesson.
In an epic "Battle of Danville's Most Important People" (self-proclaimed division), the Rotary Club President outlasted the Chamber of Commerce Director for the imaginary Fantasy Mayor of Danville title. No word yet on if there is truth to the rumors of Greg prancing around the house Monday night practicing his victory speech. The rumors were started by Dusti however so I think it's a reliable source. The highest possible praise Mr. Van Delay could have received this week however came when someone asked the Crommissioner if I had written the latest Rotary blog post because it was so funny. My response? We have a blog?
There is genuine concern in Mayberry this week. One loss is a fluke. Two losses make it a trend. If our favorite caterer loses for a third week it's going to be more of a lifestyle. He's given his team what he's calling a "Born Ultimatum" this week and is threatening to cut everyone on the roster who doesn't produce. Heath's Rice, Rice, Baby team has now stolen the Rotary Meetings AND the fantasy mojo. If Heath ends up winning it all this year we may start believing the key to the season isn't who drafts well, or who starts the right players, but who hosts rotary meetings. If that's the case then I'm really looking forward to hosting Rotary next year at the Pyramids on the Northside of Indy. (And you think the Rotarians who work on the square whine now about travelling a mile).
Team Kent didn't stand a chance this week, but it really didn't have anything to do with playing against the Crommissioner*. With 3 Bears players in his lineup, he homered his way to a big loss and to make matters worse, Jay Cutler actually screamed at him and bumped him for starting the wrong lineup. Never trust a guy who marries a former reality TV star... if you didn't know Jay Cutler was married to a reality TV star, then you are over 40... and most likely in a Rotary Club.
I was so proud of the league Pastor this week when he heeded the altar call and named his team. Great was his reward in fantasy heaven as he smote the Amalekites (also known JR Hackleman) and rode his own pale horse, Aaron Rodgers, to victory.
In our last matchup of the week Dusti was obviously not impressed with what Team Jenny had to show her and cruised to a win. You've gotta feel for Team Jenny. She's put up good numbers twice now and come up short twice. But what does she expect? She doesn't listen like Brother McDugle. She's still starting a Frenchman and is still refusing to name her team. Get with the program Jenny! You're disgracing the Crommissioner's cheat sheet you were allowed to draft from!
Speaking of music (pay attention, I change topics quickly). Have you heard there's a concert at the Royal Thursday night? I promise a win this week for all those who attend.**
-Your Crommissioner
*Not a factual statement
**This may not be accurate either
I know what everyone is thinking, and before everyone showers me with thank you's let me just say: Your needless praise is absolutely welcome here. Yes, I abandoned my team this week in order to do my part in ending the officials lockout. Yes, me and Goodell (or as I call him when we're hanging out, The Little Commish) stayed up late hours this week making sure fantasy games would no longer be affected by horrible officiating. And yes, I allowed some TDs to be shown in my face for the good of the league.
Even though it's The Littles Division and doesn't involve any of our most esteemed Rotarians we'll go ahead and start with that game. Show Me Your TD's shoved more in theCrommissioner's face than he could handle, especially with her starting another Pierre against him. You know how the Crommissioner feels about Frenchman in fantasy football! This is America's Game! I took some small solace in the fact that Pierre did not score a point. Besides, it would look suspicious if the Crommissioner won every game.
Winning despite having significant flaws seemed to be a common theme this week. Take for instance Marcia Lynch... and no, I am not talking about Marcia Lynch's significant flaws as a person. Those are common knowledge already to most in Rotary. I'm talking about her overcoming TWO players who scored zero for the week and still getting a victory over Suzanne. Team Suzanne could not keep her momentum from last week's win going, teaching her that you don't get to play against Amy every week.
Speaking of our favorite dELI meat, Amy allowed our Brad Born to take supremacy for the first time this season. Amy is always the first one to point out that she is extremely charitable, and that she is a Paul Harris fellow. This time, she gave the gift of a victory to Mr. Mayberry. I'm thrilled that Brad was able to get into the winning column this week, as I was expecting a major downturn in the quality of our Thursday lunches if the losing streak were to continue much longer.
In the biggest upset of the week, Heath Allen went from the lowest score in the league to the highest with his 50 point victory over the President. Mr. Van DeLay had no answer for Heath, who hasn't let this win go to his head at all. After the victory was final, he was quoted as saying "My name isn't Heath anymore. Call me ATM, because I'm money". His co-workers at the bank now have even more reasons to look at him funny.
In the closest game of the week Team JR held off Team Kent by a single point. Kent said later that he could have started Torrey Smith and his 30 point game for the win, but that when he wins and Amy doesn't it's not exactly a happy home. It might be a long season for Kent with that philosophy, as Amy has the dELIghtfully dELIriously fun Manning and a bunch of stiffs on her roster.
The final game of the week is also the most disturbing, and not just because the league is more fun when Jenny Pearcy loses (although it's a known fact that the league IS more fun when Jenny Pearcy loses). Pastor Jon lost the game directly as a result of the already infamous "Golden-Gate", when Golden Tate was awarded the touchdown that was in fact a Green Bay interception. If the interception had been called his defense would have scored 3 more points, and he lost by 2. This fantasy game's outcome is the real reason for the ref lockout ending, not the piddly NFL outcome. To add insult to injury, Jenny skipped her Wednesday night class at Pastor Jon's place this week. All in all, a bad week for the J MacAttack3... hopefully it went better for J MacAttack's 1 & 2.
Gotta head out now, as the Crommissioner is baking a sugar cream pie for the Rotary Bake Sale tonight. Your Crommissioner is versatile. Good luck this week.
-Your Crommissioner
No comments:
Post a Comment